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Suffering with Interstitial Cystitis (IC) and looking for answers? In my blog, I explore more ways than the "established routes to treatment" and try to open up hearts and minds to other, non-invasive and safer alternatives. We explore the realms of dis-ease, nutrition, health, and wellness and make changes in order to HEAL, not just treat.
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Saturday, April 23, 2011

...that absurd idea.....

I am a writer.  I can't help it.  I sit down and the words flow out.  Even if I have no clue what it is I am going to write about, I just start tappa tappa tapping away and there ya go..... 2,000 words later.  I wish I knew I had this capacity in middle and high school because then the writing tests would not have been so excruciatingly stressful and hence, low-scoring.  You know that story about the swan living among the ducks?  Yes, I silently observed my surroundings, the people, how they treated each other, how society worked, what people said, what the trees said; observed it all and I decided there had to be a better way.  I was singled out by groups of anything to be picked on, ridiculed, beat on and made fun of.  I was out of high school by the time I found my inner desire to take anything they had to dish out and give it back to them ten-fold.  O well.  I wasn't meant to be a boxer in high school.  Since then I have learned about Karma so anything I could be angry about or feelings I could hold on to aren't serving anyone, least of all myself.  Of course it's hard to just jump from those experiences into letting it all go.  Of course there were many years of battling low-self esteem and low self-worth because of this conditioning I experienced.  It's a path.  I knew there was a better way.  If I knew how I knew there was a better way....I guess I could make millions.  I'll let the people who are making millions writing books about how to know your higher power tell you, if you want to know.  I just knew it and that is all there is to it.  I kept going.

Albert Einstein once said "If at first the idea is not absurd, there is no hope for it."  I am that absurd idea.

I have had the glorious experience in my life to be exposed to the most beautiful of souls. He is my grandfather (by marriage).  I lived with him and my grandmother for about six or seven years through middle and high school.  I have never known another grandfather.  Once our relationship pushed through my tumultuous and emotional teens and twenties, we now have a pretty good one.  He wasn't very helpful in that emotionally supportive department.  I really don't know who could have been with all the crazy things that happened in my life.  No one I knew had been through the same stuff.  When you are that age and lost both your parents, it's not about all the people in the world suffering.  It's about you and your ego and your small little world.  Anyway, I believe we have a pact that was made before we came to this lovely planet.  I literally cry every time I think about all the seeds that he planted in my inner soul as a wise, loving, stable being in my life.  All he could be in my life at the time was an example.  On the deepest level I could imagine, he changed the course of my life for the better in so many ways.  One way I can point to directly is that he read books all the time.  I didn't even know I had an inner lust for learning until the seeds he planted in my inner being began to take hold in my early to mid-twenties.  Folks, that's after I had been publicly schooled!!!  School did not teach me how to learn.  School was a limited, indoctrinating, jail for me that I barely made it through with anything left in tact of my soul.  When my mind awoke, it was the example he set for me growing up in his home that took off in all directions.  I'm so happy that happened!  I read and studied about things I really enjoyed which were (and still are) books about exploring humanity as a whole and myself in particular.  I dabbled in metaphysical topics but when I was given the raised brow by my grandfather over it, I quickly set those books aside for a few years and focused on putting myself through college.
Still, I knew there was much more.  I was aching to find it.  The biological science program I was immersed in couldn't be all there is.  It cannot be the end all, be all.  I knew there was expansion on a deeper level.  I can try to explain what I longed for (and still do) but it's every person's specific longing in their own unique way.  If you ache for it, you know what I'm talking about.  My professors were so fully indoctrinated into one way of thinking.  The beauty and spirit aspects of all the life we were studying was absolutely absent.  Searching, searching, searching...
After diving head-first into community college, graduating with honors, and moving on to a four-year university, I graduated by the skin of my teeth.  I blame Tom Brown Jr.'s book, The Tracker.  Ah, the beyond.  The great mystery that lives in all things.  Finally.  My computer-geek friend and I took a trip out to Ohio one weekend during the winter and saw Tom Brown speak in a high school performance center.  I now have his autograph in that book.  He studied things in nature the way I think we should.  Native or not, the whole of the biological department at the university I went to needs to be turned upside down and taught in a new way.  We're digging our own graves if we don't change the way science is taught and practiced.  With all the cutting edge science I've been exposed to since, I am amazed that science is still taught like we are in the dark ages at the university and that was only ten years ago!  I was never happier to get as far away from something as that school.  People put so much stock in that B.S.  The degree, that is.  I certainly got an education alright.  I think part of my path is to figure out what doesn't work which has me looking like a complete waste of the public oxygen supply.  I'm always into different things, testing, experimenting, and generally either turning things into gold or screwing up.
There's more but it all unfolds into more examples of how I keep aching to see the one, to feel the one, to find wise people, to work in a conscious way, to find my true path, the learn to love....
So folks, this desire to be more, learn more, expand.... How do you think I found the raw lifestyle and healed myself from IC?  My unending, non-stoppable desire to know the one.  It underlies everything in my life.  I hope this post has given you some inspiration, a drive to push onward. There's more, there's always more.  I hope you know that too.
I love you.  Sunny

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